For Scotland’s only openly gay male footballer, there will always be a battle to fight on or off the pitch. Words from Cameron Wanstall.
“Fuck it. Enough is enough.”
And with that thought, in a mind that had suffered an exhaustive conflict within itself, a footballer in the fifth tier of Scottish football had become national news.
Zander Murray had been struggling with internal turmoil for years over his sexual identity but had now freed himself from the shackles of pain and worry that had plagued him since his early teen years – when he realised he wasn’t quite the same as his other teammates.
While on a short break from plying his part-time trade at Lowland League outfit Gala Fairydean Rovers to attend his first ever Pride event in Benidorm, Spain, a then-30-year-old Murray pressed publish on a ‘coming out’ Facebook post to friends and family. By morning, the post was the top story in British sport.
The revelation of his well-kept secret made Murray the first openly gay male footballer in Scotland since the late Justin Fashanu. There was nowhere to hide anymore, the burden of dishonesty for fear of vilification had gone too far.
“I couldn’t be bothered with living a lie and just being in pain.” Murray reflects. “Someone would ask me what I was doing at the weekend and I always had to lie to them. I was always hiding my phone and just living a double life.
“It really creates a lot of complications and issues. I just had to be myself and if anyone didn't like it, I couldn't care. I needed to do this because it was killing me. That was one side of it, the other side was I hoped it could maybe help younger people growing up.”
Murray’s coming out immediately transformed the Lowland League frontman into a symbol – a phrase the 31-year-old is wary of as he does not “like to big myself up too much” – of the LGBTQ+ community.
“I know how difficult it was, so, if I do it (coming out) and take the leap, be brave and go public; I thought it would have helped a few heads. But obviously, I have been overwhelmed by the sheer amount and the traction it got, because at the time I was fifth tier in the Lowland League.”
A product of Airdrie and Motherwell academies, Murray’s ascent to Scottish professional league football was continually sabotaged by himself, as fears over his secret second life being let loose to the public repeatedly held the centre-forward back.
Brought up in the “football daft” East End of Glasgow, Murray has decades of experience within footballing spaces that only reinforced his own beliefs on how queer people were negatively viewed within the sport.
“It was tarred with the conversations and chats you’re having with boys, teammates, and just in general, how a gay person was viewed back then. Any insults would be derogatory. It was very, very challenging growing up. Back then there were no role models, so it was very tough.”
In the weeks following his announcement, Murray was not only propelled into the model role he once looked for, but also into the limelight, “The first few weeks were strange, and unique, obviously. Nobody can prepare you for that madness.
“You sense a lot of media scrutiny, you sense a lot more cameras, a spotlight on you. It helps playing football – and being a striker – as the spotlight is always on you, so these pressures were made a bit easier for me.
“On the pitch, the coaching staff, gaffers, opposing players; everyone is brand new.” Murray excitedly tells, before his tone promptly shifts, “It’s the fans we need to work with – both in stadiums and online. Twitter’s obviously very challenging at times. Anyone can just put on a blank profile and say what they feel, and not really understanding how hurtful that can be."
Murray insists he can cope with the discrimination himself, but worries that for as long as the abuse continues online and in the stands, there will be significant stagnation in the coming out process for male footballers in the public eye.
“I’m still striving to kick that out. I can handle it now but it’s taken me a long, long time to fully accept myself. Coming out is one thing, but fully accepting yourself is a completely different thing. Accepting yourself is being comfortable in your own skin, so if someone does insult you, you’re able to handle it, which can take a lot of time.
“So, if you’re saying words or terminologies in the grounds, or even online, people are seeing that struggle. It’s just not helping matters. It’s not just folk coming out as gay, the whole world is horrible right now. Everybody is going through stuff, so why try and hurt somebody else?”
Zander Murray in action with new club Bonnyrigg Rose (Photo: Joe Gilhooley LRPS)
The continual abuse on social media, combined with murmurs in the grounds in which he performed, could have derailed Murray’s career at only 30 years old. Instead, he rose above it, grabbing his anticipated 100th Rovers goal and soon sealing his long-awaited move to the SPFL.
“I wasn’t distracted." Murray recalls, "There was a wee sense of freedom on the pitch. This is me. I can enjoy this. Rather than it always being in my head.
“It was a bit of relief. And then I was like, ‘Right, I need to make up for lost ground here.’ So many years I just blamed not playing at a higher level because of my sexuality, so now I was like, ‘Let’s go and kick on.’"
Murray kicked on with a move to League Two side Bonnyrigg Rose – his first, long-overdue step into the senior leagues. Looking ahead, the new Rosey Posey forward is excited to continue both his advocacy work and playing the sport he loves.
“I don’t think I’ll ever not have this in life – being an ambassador, promoting inclusivity in our game and trying to make it easier for younger and current players. I don’t think I’ll ever give that up, to be honest. Not even just homophobia, all forms of discrimination, we need to kick it out completely. And, tied in with that of course, helping my community that are maybe wanting to quit football at an early age.
“If I can also change the minds and perceptions of fans, and maybe some players that are quiet as they’ve not really met a gay person before, so that they’re not just putting us into a box. Maybe what they see on telly and in the media, they just associate a gay person with pink and effeminate, and that’s not the case.
“Life has just completely transformed for the good, I’m glad to be a pillar of this community.”
Murray had spent his entire football career in trepidation; frightened of what would come to pass if the world knew his secret until 30 years of age. Despite this, there is a lifetime of LGBTQ+ advocacy and education ahead to supplement the time lost.
“I’ll probably be involved in this until the day I die, I’m that passionate about it.”
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